If the last 2 & 1/2 weeks have taught us anything, it's that dealing with infertility is like climbing a stairwell together.
Sometimes, my husband & I climb together, hand in hand, our other hands gripped tightly on the railing, fixing our eyes ahead, but also focused on nothing more than taking each step together, one-by-one. These moments are sweet. Our bond is strong & we realize more & more why it is that the good Lord has brought us together. Our railing is His Word, the approaching landing we look to is Him, & the slow, one-by-one steps we manage to take are accomplished only because that's the only way God designed us to take them...one-by-one, not bounding so fast in attempting to plan what's next that we misstep & fall, as well as not hesitating to move forward by looking behind us to wallow in the past sadness so that it smothers us in self-pity.
Because this stairwell is long & not always well-lit it is easy to get distracted. We can peer out the windows & lose ourselves watching those around us who have never struggled to conceive. We watch their excitement as they announce their pregnancies, listen as they plan on these new babies' arrivals, bravely attend their baby showers, visit them in the hospital as they welcome their children into the world, & babysit for them as they venture out for date nights. If we're not careful, we stand at these windows & forget to keep climbing. Suddenly, we are jealous, overcome by our own emotions as we selfishly focus on our own aching womb instead of being genuinely happy for those we love in their exciting times.
Because this stairwell only has a few lights overhead, we have to walk together in darkness occasionally. These times are the hardest, the walls seem to close in, we feel trapped by our circumstances, the new bad news we have just received, & we feel that the next lighted area is so far away...the landing unreachable. During this time, it is easy to lose our grip on the railing as well as each other.
Sometimes this news causes us pause, we can't breathe, we can't speak, all we can do is weep as it settles in. We grip the railing & each other & hold on for dear life.
Sometimes we climb, hand in hand, gripping the railing, though we are numb, it's hard to feel & function.
Sometimes we climb, hand in hand, gripping the railing, delighting in the good news we just received, & we feel that the landing is obtainable...we will be parents one day soon.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
"I Will Still Love You, Lord"
While decorating our Christmas Tree the other afternoon we had "Facing the Giants" on. We hadn't seen it since watching it with our Youth Group kids about 2 years ago. We still remembered the basic story, but it was really nice to actually watch it again.
One of the many stories the movie touches on is the main character and his wife's struggle with infertility. I remembered that the couple had been trying for a long time and had no success. The wife encouraged her husband to go to his doctor to see if anything was wrong. A few scenes later, the main character was shown in his doctor's office listening to the doctor tell him that he was incapable of having children.
I won't spoil the ending because I highly recommend watching the movie. Let's just say that God does an amazing work in their lives. Before this though, the wife (after thinking she might be pregnant) makes an appointment with her doctor to see if she is pregnant. Music plays as you see a nurse tell her that the test came back negative. She starts to cry and heads out to her car. Pausing just as she's about to get in, she looks towards the sky just as the music fades and says, "I will still love you, Lord. I will still love you."
My husband and I have never doubted that we're supposed to be parents, but God's never made it exactly clear how that will happen and when...and we're okay with not knowing that. After all, time will tell.
Tonight, leaves us saying that we will still love Him.
You see, we learned the results of my husband's tests today. We sat and listened as our doctor told us that there was nothing. His count is zero.
"What does that mean?" we asked. His results are similar to a man who had had radiation damage or a vasectomy. How is that possible? How can a perfectly healthy 30-year-old man have a count of zero?
Our doctor would like to see him come in again to a different lab and re-take the test. We are praying that the results were just a fluke. It is common procedure for a re-test when results like this show up and God-willing they will be different next time around.
If the re-test comes back with the same results, we will go on from there to more fertility specialists who can advise us further.
We know there is amazing technology out there now to help couples like us and who knows what the next few weeks will hold?
All we know is that no matter what, we will still love our Lord.
One of the many stories the movie touches on is the main character and his wife's struggle with infertility. I remembered that the couple had been trying for a long time and had no success. The wife encouraged her husband to go to his doctor to see if anything was wrong. A few scenes later, the main character was shown in his doctor's office listening to the doctor tell him that he was incapable of having children.
I won't spoil the ending because I highly recommend watching the movie. Let's just say that God does an amazing work in their lives. Before this though, the wife (after thinking she might be pregnant) makes an appointment with her doctor to see if she is pregnant. Music plays as you see a nurse tell her that the test came back negative. She starts to cry and heads out to her car. Pausing just as she's about to get in, she looks towards the sky just as the music fades and says, "I will still love you, Lord. I will still love you."
My husband and I have never doubted that we're supposed to be parents, but God's never made it exactly clear how that will happen and when...and we're okay with not knowing that. After all, time will tell.
Tonight, leaves us saying that we will still love Him.
You see, we learned the results of my husband's tests today. We sat and listened as our doctor told us that there was nothing. His count is zero.
"What does that mean?" we asked. His results are similar to a man who had had radiation damage or a vasectomy. How is that possible? How can a perfectly healthy 30-year-old man have a count of zero?
Our doctor would like to see him come in again to a different lab and re-take the test. We are praying that the results were just a fluke. It is common procedure for a re-test when results like this show up and God-willing they will be different next time around.
If the re-test comes back with the same results, we will go on from there to more fertility specialists who can advise us further.
We know there is amazing technology out there now to help couples like us and who knows what the next few weeks will hold?
All we know is that no matter what, we will still love our Lord.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
1 Samuel 1
"1There was a certain man from Ramathaim, a Zuphite from the hill country of Ephraim, whose name was Elkanah son of Jeroham, the son of Elihu, the son of Tohu, the son of Zuph, an Ephraimite. 2He had two wives; one was called Hannah and the other Peninnah. Peninnah had children, but Hannah had none.
3Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD. 4Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. 5But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. 6And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8Elkanah her husband would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?'
9Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple. 10In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11And she made a vow, saying, 'O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.'
12As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.'
15'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.'
17Eli answered, 'Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.'
18She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. 20So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the LORD for him.'"
3Year after year this man went up from his town to worship and sacrifice to the LORD Almighty at Shiloh, where Hophni and Phinehas, the two sons of Eli, were priests of the LORD. 4Whenever the day came for Elkanah to sacrifice, he would give portions of the meat to his wife Peninnah and to all her sons and daughters. 5But to Hannah he gave a double portion because he loved her, and the LORD had closed her womb. 6And because the LORD had closed her womb, her rival kept provoking her in order to irritate her. 7This went on year after year. Whenever Hannah went up to the house of the LORD, her rival provoked her till she wept and would not eat. 8Elkanah her husband would say to her, 'Hannah, why are you weeping? Why don't you eat? Why are you downhearted? Don't I mean more to you than ten sons?'
9Once when they had finished eating and drinking in Shiloh, Hannah stood up. Now Eli the priest was sitting on a chair by the doorpost of the LORD's temple. 10In bitterness of soul Hannah wept much and prayed to the LORD. 11And she made a vow, saying, 'O LORD Almighty, if you will only look upon your servant's misery and remember me, and not forget your servant but give her a son, then I will give him to the LORD for all the days of his life, and no razor will ever be used on his head.'
12As she kept on praying to the LORD, Eli observed her mouth. 13Hannah was praying in her heart, and her lips were moving but her voice was not heard. Eli thought she was drunk 14and said to her, 'How long will you keep on getting drunk? Get rid of your wine.'
15'Not so, my lord,' Hannah replied, 'I am a woman who is deeply troubled. I have not been drinking wine or beer; I was pouring out my soul to the LORD. 16Do not take your servant for a wicked woman; I have been praying here out of my great anguish and grief.'
17Eli answered, 'Go in peace, and may the God of Israel grant you what you have asked of him.'
18She said, 'May your servant find favor in your eyes.' Then she went her way and ate something, and her face was no longer downcast.
19Early the next morning they arose and worshiped before the LORD and then went back to their home at Ramah. Elkanah lay with Hannah his wife, and the LORD remembered her. 20So in the course of time Hannah conceived and gave birth to a son. She named him Samuel, saying, 'Because I asked the LORD for him.'"
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